Soli Deo Gloria!

i think my grandma might be passing away soon. my mom and her siblings had to go pack up all of my gandma’s stuff from her room in the old folks’ home. my grandma went a hospital a couple days ago, which is not unusual. but i guess this time it was an overnight hospital or something, so we expected her to be back by now. but then i guess that is not to be so any longer.

my grandma raised me since i was a baby until i was about 5 years old or so, but recently, she’s been forgetting who i am. she’s probably like 90 years old by now. i don’t know what the loss of memory disease is called, but i know that it’s common, b/c i hear of it all the time.

i recently recalled how my second cousin’s dad was murdered at his liquor store. they were going to sell the store when that happened. my cousin was going to go on vacation in brazil and join the peace corps and go on to grad school, but he had to stay and continue his job as a social service worker and had to run the liquor store with his mother until it was finally sold like a year or so later.

the really sad thing about that wasn’t that he was shot or anything. he was beaten to death by a group of mexicans or blacks. i don’t even remember. (no racism intended)

life is precious. be good to your mom, your grandmas, your dad, your grandpas, your brothers and sisters, your neighbors, strangers, the poor, the sick, people you hate…i hate the feeling of regret, so i’d rather be good to everyone right now while i can.

*sidenote: my aunt’s been making my mom worry about my getting sent to a war if i join the marines. my mom told me not to join. i don’t worry about the possibility of my dying. my only regret in dying would be that i’m not satisfied with who i am and what i’ve accomplished thus far. knowing my mom, she would be worried to death if i were off fighting in a war.

so i’m finally at home again, but it was quite the struggle getting here. first of all, i couldn’t find a ride to the train station out of my plethora (i joke) of friends, so i took a bus from school right after my guitar class. then, my train was delayed over an hour, but the train’s being delayed allowed me to, coincidentally, meet a friend on the train.

being home is nice. there were no arguments or anything of the sort this time around.

so i just remembered something funny. i went to get a haircut at a barber shop near my parents’ work. a korean man and woman work there. they came recently from korea. how do i know? the woman can’t speak a lick of english. not a lick. the woman was giving a white guy a cucumber facial wash or something. then, she started pounding on his back like no other. i thought she was trying to kill him or something. she just wouldn’t stop. apparently, the white guy liked it though.

i thought the korean man and woman were married, but then the korean man started trying to sell her to the white guy. he was telling the white guy to take her home with him but not tell his fiance. then, he was all laughing and telling the white guy to go home and think about it and call him later.

the woman had no idea what was going on, but the korean man told her later. the korean woman said to the guy white, “친구 댖고 와” (“Bring your friends”). the korean man told the white guy that she was saying ‘친구,’ which means ‘friend’. the korean man kept on saying that she was saying, “friend, bring here,” or some ish like that. he wasn’t communicating well that she wanted the white guy to bring his friends to the barber shop, too. instead, it seemed more like she was saying that the white guy and she were friends.

i don’t know about you guys, but i was thinking about this through my ra(cism)dar. i read a book for a writing class a couple years ago about white guys and asian women and stuff in the philippines. what the korean man seemed to be doing was trying to sell the asian woman to the white man for a ‘massage.’ Thailand, Philippines, basically Southeast Asia in general was flashing through my mind. the ‘친구’ or ‘friend’ thing made it seem like the korean woman was some dumb foreigner.

i know americans easily reduce every other type of people around the world to being somewhat inferior. the funny thing is that the white guy didn’t do anything to cause it. it’s funny how the korean man caused me to think of all these racist stereotypes. are americans just more aware of racism, sexism, etc. as to know that that kind of behavior is racist and sexist?

i don’t know, but all i know is that people tend to subjugate themselves for money. Africans selling their own into slavery, Asians running sex parlors, etc.

*and a side note, Paul Wolfowitz, the former man in charge of Iraq for the U.S. and the current man in charge of World Bank, gives a huge bonus and promotion to his girlfriend, while working to fight corruption in developing countries.

so the sermon at church this past sunday addressed the VA Tech incident. the sermons at my church are in korean, so i don’t understand everything and find it hard to recollect what i do understand. all i remember is that the pastor talked a lot about korean americans. he stated a lot about how korean parents in america feel, himself being one of them.

sometimes, i try to put myself in my parents’ footsteps. i have a lot of aspirations, and i don’t know how i’d feel giving all that up for my children. i think my parents went to either goryo (고료대) or yonsei university. those schools are like tied for the 2nd best university in korea, so my parents were well educated. when they first came to america, they lived at my uncle’s house. my dad opened up a liquor store, i believe. then, we got an apartment in garden grove. then, we moved to a one story condo in cypress. i don’t know when exactly, but by the time we moved to cypress, they ran a dry cleaners in long beach. then, after my 1st grade in elementary school, we moved to a 2 story house, which also happened to be in cypress.

i often hear about how koreans come to america for the ‘american dream,’ but when they say this, do they mean the ‘american dream’ for their children or for themselves? i don’t know what my parents expected when they decided to come to america. did they have aspirations for themselves, or was it all for my sister and me? (they didn’t know about me when they first came…i think. well, they went back after my sister was born in america and then came back, so they might have known about me before they came back) my dad was a principal in korea, and principals are well paid in korea. being a principal in korea is a fairly respected job, and the retirement money is good. i didn’t know, but after filling out a few FAFSA forms, i have figured out that my parents were in their 30’s when they had my sister and me. off the top of my head, i’m guessing that my dad was 38 when i was born.

the pastor spoke about how frustrating it is coming to america and not being able to speak english. he also spoke about how korean american kids sometimes have a tendency to look down on their parents because they can’t speak english. i am not sure, but i think that i did go through periods when i thought like that. i would be frustrated b/c my dad or mom wouldn’t be able to understand something that came in the mail or b/c i would have to translate. i know that my sister was way more frustrated b/c of this b/c my sister had to do way more than i did.

i guess as a child, unconsciously, i always thought about my parents’ difficulties with speaking english from my own perspective. it was a difficulty or a burden to me, maybe even a source of shame in front of my friends. i never thought about how hard it must have been for my parents to not be able to understand english well.

while i was living in the small condo in cypress, my parents usually came from from work at around 8 o’clock. my grandma raised me, but then after a huge argument, she moved out. since then, my sister and i went to work with my parents everyday. my mom has a tendency to lie, which i inherited. she would make a lot of promises that she didn’t keep. she would often promise that we’d go home by a certain time, but then we wouldn’t. i’d get angry b/c i would miss the lakers game on tv.

after a while, my dad began coming home from work between 10-11 pm. my mom would come home after 8 pm, but by then, i didn’t have to go to work with my parents b/c my sister was old enough to watch over me. b/c my parents were working so much, they sold their store in search of a larger dry cleaners where they could hire more workers to ease the load. with the 150,000 dollars or so from selling the store, my dad invested in the stock market. the stock market crashed that year. it took my parents one year to find a new cleaners. the new cleaners was not what not what my parents had planned on when they sold the old one in long beach. this new one was in tustin, which meant 30 min of driving a day back and forth. it also did not bring in much more profit than the last one, so their load would not be eased that much. b/c of the 1 year without a store and b/c of the stock market crash, my parents had to borrow money from the bank and from friends to buy the new store. we were barely making enough money to pay off loans, so we sold our house and moved to the town house where we’re currently living. almost every night, my mom would cry b/c she didn’t know how we’d pay for loans and everything.

also, i wasn’t doing well in school, and i was addicted to computer games. this is now high school. i was lying to my parents about studying, and i got a 1.8 during the 3rd quarter of my sophomore year. i did eventually raise that to a 2.8 by the end of the semester though. during this time i entered my depression and stuff, and i made life even more difficult for my mom. my dad was barely a part of my life at this time. well, he was at times. but at other times, he’d just come home late at night, and i’d barely talk to him.

so i want to go backwards a little bit. i recall having a lot of fun with my family as a child. even though i had to go to work with my parents, i had a fairly happy childhood. i would read a lot, do my homework, read the sports section, and watch cartoons on a tiny television that recently broke…last year, i believe. i did tae kwon do, as well.

but my dad always had a bad temper, so somewhere along the line, my relationship with him got sour. or it was sour from the start? i don’t really know. all i know is that my dad was very strict, especially about school grades. after moving into the 2 story house, i recall watching wheel of fortune with my family every dinner. then, at some point, things got worse i guess b/c i remember dreading my dad’s coming home. i don’t know if this had anything to do with my getting suspended from school for a week. my dad would come home and get angry about everything, so i’m guessing that this began before my dad became even more hot tempered. i remember watching sumo wrestling with my before going to bed, b/c my dad would stay on the couch and watch tv after coming home late from work. and while i was even younger in the one story condo, i remember watching korean dramas with my parents and pretending to be asleep, so that my dad would carry me to bed.

so fast forward, and by this time, my dad would come home around 10-11pm. my dad didn’t talk to me for 6 months after i got suspended. (that was a side note) i would dread when my parents came home. i would be able to have fun after school, but whenever either of my parents came home, stress would pile on me. my mom was not an angel compared to my dad. she is the queen of nagging (잔소리), but both my sister and i developed a much closer relationship with my mom than with my dad. this was b/c of my dad’s temper and b/c my mom would be home more often, even though she worked a lot as well.

i hated my dad. my sister, up until recently, would often tell my mom to divorce him. i often disliked my mom as well, considering i got into arguments with her all the time. i wondered whether i loved my parents. i did not. the pastor talked about this. korean american kids often do not grow up loving their parents. their parents are merely the source of money and food and housing. i felt like this all the time, especially in 10th grade when i was depressed. i often thought about running away, committing suicide, etc. i even told my mom that i wish i were given away for adoption. (note to self: this is a bad thing to say…shame on me) it took me until college to be able to comfortably believe that i loved my parents, but even while in college, i, oftentimes, wouldn’t want to come home. whenever i came home, my parents would get mad at me, or especially since my sophomore year in college, they’d make me go help them at work.

the pastor talked about how korean parents in america care only about their kids grades and not about how they are as people. if their kids have social problems, the parents think that it’ll be okay as long as the kids do well in school. korean parents think that grades are the answer to everything. korean parents send their kids to college, and then what? sending their kids to college were their primary goal for their children. i forgot what he said after this.

so to recap, korean americans have bad relationships with their parents. this was true with me, considering that i did not grow up in a happy home. i would not call my home a broken home, but it was certainly not a happy home. i envy families where children can tell everything to their parents. b/c my parents served primarily as disciplinary figures, i can’t tell them a lot of things, although it’s gotten better now. both my sister and i grew up lying to our parents all the time. our mom would lie for us to our dad as well.

i don’t want to portray things as being all bad, but i really do envy happy homes. i wonder how things could have been, and i wonder how i will be as a parent. do i think my parents were horrible parents? no. but i definitely don’t want to be like them in many ways. i am afraid that i’m going to end up raising my children like i was raised. i don’t want to overstress grades, although i think education is really important. i don’t want to become merely the disciplinarian, but i want to be loved and respected by my kids. i don’t want to continue the cycle of problems in korean american families.

my relationship with my parents has slowly been getting better. my dad tries to talk to me more. i guess he understands that i’m growing up. he gets really mad if he finds out something from my mom instead of from my telling him directly. this has taken a bit of practice from my part, b/c all my life i have not told my dad anything. instead, my mom usually convinces my dad to allow me to do something or go somewhere, etc. that no longer works anymore though. there might have been a time in my early childhood in which i would tell my dad things, but i don’t recall if that time ever existed. i’ve often been afraid of telling my dad things b/c he doesn’t understand, but he’s gotten better at being more understanding. he wouldn’t even be understanding about little things that i thought weren’t a big deal, so i began rebelling against him in high school. both my sister and i used to never rebel against my dad, b/c he was so scary.

during college, i have been un-rebelling. i am trying really hard to be obedient to my parents. it’s really hard for me not to raise my voice when i’m on the phone with my parents, especially my mom. it became a habit for me to do so. my mom is very nagging and stuff, and she tends to blame me when things don’t go right, so i get angry very easily. the constant fighting with my mom began in high school, even though a lot of the time it was my fault. at the time, i never thought it was my mom’s fault. in the past couple weeks, i realized that some of the nagging has become a habit to my mom. that’s just how she expresses her concern for me. she doesn’t know how else to act. so now i don’t take her nagging that seriously all the time.

when my dad lectures me now, too, i just listen and don’t argue. my dad and i have nothing to talk about, which is sad. when my dad talks to me, he just tells me what to do and stuff. recently, while he was lecturing me, he was telling me advice and stuff. i guess, b/c it was coming from him, i didn’t really take the advice seriously, and subconsciously, i was taking it in a negative way. my dad’s tone of voice is often like he’s mad, so it’s easy to get angry when he lectures me. i was thinking how if someone else told me the stuff that my dad said, i would have taken it in a more positive manner.

i still have a lot of work to do in building up my relationship with my parents, especially with my dad. it’s sad how they sacrificed so much in coming to america, and this is how things went. they had kids who didn’t love them. they work literally all day. their kids didn’t go to harvard. my parents are disappointed that i didn’t get into a better school, although the next time i go home, i’m going to tell them that ucsd is ranked higher than ucla now. my parents also never had that great of a loving relationship after coming to america and having to run a business together. until some time in college, i always shared a room with my dad. my mom, at times, shared a room with my sister.

although i don’t enjoy helping my parents out at work, whenever i go home, i still try to go help my parents out. i try to think of the time at my parents’ dry cleaners as time to think and time to spend with my parents. i easily get tired of being there and with my dad getting mad at me all the time, but then, i think of how my parents have been running a dry cleaners for close to 17-18 years now. nowadays, they usually work until about 8pm-ish.

so, i’ve tried to encapsulate in words my experience, growing up in a korean american family. it’s hard to fully explain, which is why i think i’ve repeated a lot of things. i don’t know when, but my dad’s temper got a lot better. i think it might have been when i was either in 11th or 12th grade. since then, sometimes he’s gotten better, and sometimes he’s gone back to his old self. overall though, he’s a lot better now than how he used to be.

i don’t blame my dad though. i know that being hot-blooded is in his blood, but i’m sure having given up so much to come to america and having to work until late at night didn’t help. my dad doesn’t go hang out with friends. for much of his life in america, he worked all day and came home and watched tv and then went to bed. this is seven days a week. this is not much of a life at all. i still get angry at him when he gets angry for no reason, but i try to understand.

i am sad when i think about my parents, and then i think about how i’m probably going to the marines, and going to the east coast for grad school and to live. i don’t know what my parents are going to do. is my sister going to support them? are they going to follow me to the east coast where they will know no one? am i supposed to hold back b/c of my parents? i know my parents want me to be successful and stuff, but in political science, that means going to washington, d.c. or new york, although i don’t care much about monetary success and more about making an impact.

i recently realized that i learned a lot from my parents. i learned a lot of things every person should know. living with dirty people, i realized how little their parents taught them. they don’t know basic things. my mom babied me, but i still know how to take care of myself.

i don’t know if i learned discipline though. i guess in a way i did, but in other ways, i learned to rebel behind my parents’ backs. My values and my character, i don’t think i really learned from my parents. i know a lot of people attribute who they are to their parents, but i don’t. i learned a lot from being around christians, reading the news, etc. i learned a lot from the world around me. korean americans hate their parents while growing up, so i’m pretty sure that this is true with a lot of 2nd generation korean americans.

it’s a credit to my parents that i’ve turned out the way i have though. my parents did not make me the ‘great’ person that i am today, but they did allow me to, although grudgingly, develop in an okay way. i don’t know how to explain it. i guess something is good about how koreans raise their children, b/c despite having horrible relationships with their children, the children usually don’t turn out too horrible.

my hope is that i can take the good from korean parents, perhaps the discipline that is associated with them, although the discipline usu. is encountered with silent rebellion. i think american parents tend to incite much more open rebellion from their children. i have no clue why. in addition to instilling discipline into my children, i also hope to show love to them in an open manner. i want to be able to talk to my kids. i want to be able to play with them. i want them to be able to look up to me. i want to be able to give them advice when they’re having a hard time.